Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
