This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
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