The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
