I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
My boob is missing a layer of skin
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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