sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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