tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
