I will die if light touches me.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
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