mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
