and my herpes radar will keep us safe
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize