I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
