I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize