Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
