Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize