hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Randomize
