Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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