Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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