I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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