It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
