Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize