Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
