just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
