i think i have two assholes
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Randomize