Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
