3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
