Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
