I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
