ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
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