Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
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