You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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