I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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