Can i not drive my cunt home
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
