also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Randomize
