I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
