When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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