My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
