I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
