Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
