Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
you will always have a special place in my vag
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
