yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
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