YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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