Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
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