you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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