i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
