Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize