i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
