she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
