HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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