I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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