Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
