I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
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