My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
