Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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