She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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