after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
