I think I won the penis lottery.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
soo... how was my night?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize