i just snorted my name. best moment ever
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
